Good Friday special:Nearly 2000 years and we are still at it.

Dear Jesus

Its been nearly 2000 years since the betrayal happened to you.
And its right about that many years ago when Love happened to me.

Things have'nt changed much , have they?




I am still re-discovering shades and shadows to this name i took on my personality. Loyal Traitor.

To Jesus Christ.

Good Friday.








It doesnt end here.
In Betrayal.
There is hope for the traitor.

Just wait till Sunday.

i am bored of all the things i know? Really...?

We are bored of all the things that we know..
Do you know what you are?
Because we are so in love with ourselves

We are forms of all the things we love.

- "Good Monsters" by jars of clay


So that would that mean if i loved God enough,i would be a form of Him?

Time Crunch.

Heard a few days back that serious writing doesnt come like this.

Not at all.

And now there's a time crunch.

Write? Work? Believe in the Bible or not? Read up Evidence?

Go purchase a mirror? Get a diary?

Rush to Vishrantwadi?

Life has so many options to give. Stupid life.
Lets blame life.

:D

From one village to another.

"i am a stranger just passing through."

Of this journey, i thought i would never have to write.
From one wadi to another, here i traverse.

Vishrantwadi,for one and Wanwadi for another.

The shortcut alleys the buzzing flies i smelt,
the cow dung and the bullshit i must now miss now,for a long time.

Daily bus crushing phenomenon will cease.

i have travelled to a sophisticated village.
No more nice-smelling cow dung. No more lovely home to go to.

Only concrete wilderness,Hite Bar fast food.
Loads of amazing friends to meet,but not one stranger.

i wud rather seek strangers,lost who are
But i need guts for that in Wanwadi.
This is a village of perhaps unintended hi-fashion and buzzy,fuzzy life.
This is a village,i am prejudiced in many ways about.
i hope my stay here will be great.
i hope my immersion rod wont kill me in the dead of night.

i hope in wilderness, i who am lost,will be found again. Lonely but not alone.

:)
i will be content with that.

(Wadi in marathi usually means village. If i am not wrong.)

Did he recognize the Stranger yet?

" I love the mystery of this rendition of the record of the "stranger" on the road to Emmaus. This Jesus wallpaper shows the mystery of the veiled figure of Christ as well as the inquisitive nature of the disciple.

Has the man recognized his visitor yet? "

The quote and this painting above are from a website i found recently.

What struck my mind was the last sentence the person wrote in the description of that wallpaper..
"Has the man recognized his visitor yet ?"


Hmm..
Recognition.
What can recognition mean?

If you call a person by any other name than his, you are not recognizing him.
Either you have failed to recognize him, or you are pretending to not recognize him.

And why should there be any pretense in recognition?
Why should you want to not recognize someone else?
Maybe Someone has hurt you in the past. So you don't wanna talk to him.
Maybe Someone has been trying to get your attention. For whatever reason.
But YOU don't wanna pay attention. For some definite reason. Let's hope it's a definite AND logical reason.
Because these days, all some people are doing is escaping from reason.


If you tell someone on the phone that he/she does not exist (imagine That in real life.), and you don't hear that Person reply. the Person doesn't reply but all you can hear is the noise in the background..

If the Person doesn't reply, will he/she stop existing?

Your denial of his existence will actually take his existence away from him.
Really?
...
...

It's time for me to recognise the Stranger at the table.
Look at the other fellow's expression at that table in the painting.

Shock? Surprise? Don't want to believe?


" He was executed on that cross! "

Will the person who saw Jesus at the table, believe in His existence?
Just because he saw Him, or because he heard Him too?

How do you recognize someone?
Will you trust your eyes or will you trust what you heard Him speak?

The Race on Spit-field road.

Horrible Pune Station Road?

Everyone who has been to Pune knows that stretch of road from Sasoon Hospital,via Pune Station Bus stand, passes in front of Pune Station (His Highness Aga Khan Road,if anyone knows it by that name) and ends up before Alankar Theatre.

Apart from the perpetual road-jams that belong to this stretch, the only reason Joshua detested this road was the part of it near the Station bus stand-
It could be renamed Pune Spittoon Road. Spit-field Road maybe.
The purpose of this road, it would seem,was to receive spit and phlegm until Kingdom come. Never mind the buses,they can skid on the spit, nah?

It was a minefield out there. Joshua always had to walk VERY carefully to avoid all the spots or gashes on the road. There used to be days when he had to run just like the villain in Terminator 2 on that road (Remember the scene when Arnold drives the car with the Connor kid in the back, and the bad guy runs with that Cyborg-like steadfastness and determination behind the car for quite some time? Yeah.).

And when Joshua had to run like that behind the Vishrantwadi bus.. never mind the minefields.Its just infection and muck. Yuck.

He was standing there one night, praying to God for the Swargate-Alandi bus to appear. And he knew what he was praying for.

He wouldn't get a seat. For sure.
He would have to stay squeezed for some time,once inside the bus and do the ballerina thing to avoid being stamped for the rest of the time. For sure.
He would also reach Wadi,real fast and real cheap. For Sure.
For Sure.
Of course, IF he could GET a foothold on that bus,all this would come into the realm of possibilities.
But Joshua had never missed a Swargate-Alandi Bus. It would somehow take him along.
IF he missed it, the next one would be quite an eternity away.

Tired of looking down that road,he did a ballerina-thing to avoid the spit.. he ignored the stupid behemoth-like Wadi-bound buses lying behind him. They would not even scratch themselves for the next 15 minutes,let alone move.

He looked on, hoping to spot the distinct Swargate-Alandi bus. He could read the board on the bus from far,sometimes. A couple of years of running around in Pune had hard-wired into him that gut-feeling,call it intuition. He knew it when the Swarg..

Oh Crap, here it was! The bus glided out of nowhere,bright lights and all! Joshua was just pulling his bag up a bit more securely when he saw the murderous rush at the rear door of the bus.
It was just like a swarm of bees that had found the last flower before the impending famine. And this swarm of madmen would stamp you to chutney. And if you didn't stay clear, that odd suitcase,or that sack full of metal things,or that IRON-box(^%#%&#) on their shoulders would turn your head into pulp and you into Jason Bourne.

Joshua had opted long back to just go home,so he skipped out of the way of the swarm,never mind the spit-minefield.

The bus was here. And Joshua could not even get within 2 metres of the door.
It looked like all these henchmen were trying to avoid Joshua. Did he have the plague or something?

No. NO trying the front door,are you mad? Better stand in front of a multi-barrel machine-gun. The Driver would stop the bus and chase to death anyone who tried to enter through the front door. That's the exit you see.

By this time,half the swarm was in, and Joshua could not find a single foothold. He TRIED to think of toe-hold on the foot-board,it was pointless..he would lose half his precious teeth in 30 seconds.

Joshua could not believe it. The swarm was hogging the foot-board and the bus was moving on without him on it. WAT the.. Joshua thought as he started jogging behind the bus. His mind was on fire..
" I cant miss THIS bus. THAT'S not happened. EVER!! What will i do now..it's so late!"

The bus was gone. Joshua had lost. Unbelievable. Joshua stopped trying to run. The bus had picked speed and had proceeded to climb the ascent to the circle near Station. It was over. The Behemoths behind were smiling in wait.

Joshua was a believer in Jesus Christ,so his mind turned to Him - "HOW DID THIS Happen??".
He was talking almost as if Jesus was driving the bus he missed.
Joshua was furious and who else to pour out your wrath on to?
("What.. i prayed so much..! i thought You would help me out today.. You can't do that Lord? AM STUCK HERE..My folks will be angry if they know am late LORD..what the heck is this??")
His mind was already jumping options, from auto to shared-auto, to Stupid Wadi buses in-wait to next Alandi bus (" that will be Too late! ") and his eyes still looking at the bus 40-odd metres away..


Oh, the bus had stopped at the circle. Traffic snarl.
Oh,it's just a spit-field.

Joshua would have always agreed that running to the middle of a Pune Road to board a bus was very stupid,very risky. And he knew if he thought a bit rationally,this he would not do. And he didn't give his mind a chance to think. So he ran.
Joshua was not the physical-stamina kind of guy,but he was never in this mess before either.

And Joshua,ran only to win. He could not take failure. That was hard-wired into him a decade back maybe. The bus was some 30 metres away.

Joshua ran up the ascending road. Freak, the bus had started moving now!
("Oh,LORD Noo.. pleaaase help me")
He ran right across the circle,vehicles coming in from 3 directions,crossed the road and was some 10 metres behind the bus.
It had picked up speed again.

("LORD,if i miss this, YOU will be ashamed! Look at me! I would be in no condition to walk back to the bus-stand,LORD.. PLEASE.. STOP the Bus!!")

The bus was growling along on the road to Alankar Theatre. Joshua was huffing,and running. The Swarm hanging onto the foot board was watching. They must have shouted something,all of it missed Joshua's ears.
" There goes the villain from Terminator2 ",some fellow could have shouted for some inspiration.

If the bus reached the curve before the theatre, Joshua would simply have No chance. It's there that these things accelerate like crazy.

The bus slowed down and picked up speed at least 5-6 times on that road.
And Joshua's hopes were dashed and pulled up that many times. And this was His Highness Aga Khan Road, so Joshua was busy dodging Autos,people,jerks,other kinds of humanity,a wall,cars,bikes,suitcases and similar stuff.

The furious talk in his head with God didn't stop all this time.
("I will stop now! You have let me down. This was sad! I cant Breathe!")

("I will hitch-hike instead. I WONT go back to wait for another STUPID BUS,Lord!!")

( "Yess.. RUN Man.. God will help me out! ")

And suddenly,to Joshua's horror, the bus had reach the curve before the theatre.
It slowed a bit, (once again the hope-dashing thing happened to him) and then the freaky driver stepped on it. The bus swerved ahead and Joshua's insides screamed silently.
( "NOO Lord.. pleeeaase no..")

He was angry,spent,frustrated,sinking in despair,terribly at a loss as to..








The bus had stopped.
Must have been some stupid pedestrian who had crossed the road suddenly.


Joshua ran like a one-man swarm, bag flailing,lungs working overtime(!), eyes and mouth wide-open. The bus started moving again,very slowly. And this time Joshua was shouting on his inside,
("LORD, i will get it! YES LORD, i will get THAT bus..")

As he reached the foot board, he wasn't his usual polite self. As he reached the bus, he was ready to give heck to the henchmen. And as he looked on,it was awesome. There was no more swarm. The bees had moved inside. Foot board was clear to go.

He jumped on,caught the rod at the door,got the ordained metal bit of foot-board and he stayed there.
("Lord,I CANT Believe it!! Thank you LORD, THANK you LORD!! Oh yesss..")
Conductor and swarm must have said something,he didn't catch any of it.
He was doubled up on the foot-board,learning to breathe at that place,in that way for the first time.
The wind was waving in and out of him and Joshua was still trying hard to breathe.

He didn't want to sit.
He didn't want to stand.
He just wanted to breathe it all away.

His God had given him the foot board.

Your Kingdom come, but my will was done Lord ?

Save me from mine engraved habits
Habits, oh Father, You can watch but i can only sense
And that i sense, after the damage is done
After the Kingdom has been compromised.

What's the point of lament
If i return to find the Demons throwing a party within?
But i was the one who kept the door open,nah?
Yes, i am selfish.
Yes, i seek my good most of the times, before the good of others.
But save me, do!
Maybe then i will be someone You want me to.

Yes, Self-Pity is my water for a bath
And i don't want to stink.
Save me from this water
i don't want to touch it. It's not holy.

Save me from my doubting mind
A mind which You gave me, Father
A mind which is so confusing, and so shocking
in the conclusions i arrive at, that
i would deny this mind to be mine.

Still, Save me.
You created it. The Devil and I spoilt it for You. Now do something.
A miracle NOW, i do not expect. But if You want to, You can help me.

Save me from my run-over,soggy-in-the-world Heart
This fellow resides at four places at the same time
This fellow belonged to You, once upon a time.
That must have been the beginning of time
cause i cant remember.
Elations,Cries,Mistrust,Anger,Joy,Regret
at the wrong time
at the wrong places, in the wrong faces.

These little evil ones that eat within me to kill.
Even if i were a wrestler,i could not wrestle
mine ancient habits out of their ring

Why do You wrestle with me?
I really wonder sometimes. Or maybe my heart is fooling me again.
Why..

Father, You know all these things.
You know the fuel called Pride that drives this machine.
You know,i don't want to travel in this machine any longer.
Let the fuel burn out
Let This me perish.
But before the machine perishes, Save me Father.
Drag me out.
Cuts and Bruises may be here to stay
That's how surgery works too
But don't let this mind, this heart, this soul
burn in Pride, or still worse
ride away on the back of Arrogance.

What do i trust?
My feeble experience?
(Do i remember it enough?)
Or my quest for evidence?
(If there is an honest quest?)

But i wanted both
A thunder of an experience. No, no one else gets to see it. No more sight for Pride.
A treasure-hunt of evidence
i didn't expect Hurt to be in the way
And my habits, the bandits, took me by surprise.

Father. Please Lord.
Take them by surprise.
Then R.I.P. Amen.


Thanks to Casting Crowns for the title of this post. It's been like that many times.

Are you fighting the fellow in the mirror too?

You just wake up.
Eyes wide shut.

You have to squeeze energy to keep them open.

Just to see the first light of you in the long mirror.
Ah, relief. The guy we hate is still in the mirror.

The hatred is not generally known. It is tacit in nature.
Like a war happening undercover.
All day you meet people who like you, ignore you, love you, hate you, rely on you,
whereas you put the finger on the problem
when you see you in the mirror.

Do i like i?
Do you like you?

This book i was reading, umm.. an author called Joyce Meyer wrote that one.
She opened my can of worms when she put the finger on my problem.

Every single day, You are the person you spend most of your time with.
So how is your relationship with yourself?
Do you like yourself?
Do you love the person God has made you? Well, yeah, HE loves you. Jesus Loves you the Bible proves that to some degree.

But what do you think? Do you hate that chap in the mirror?
When we cant love ourselves in the way God loves us, how can we love others..?
How can we give love away when we don't have it within?
In Joyce's words - "How can we give away something when we don't have it in the first place?"
Then, is it any wonder we complain about our relationships going dry or sore?

OH, it just struck me now. Jesus commands his followers -
"Love your neighbour as you love yourself."

God help those who are neighbours of someone who doesn't like himself/herself.


Stop the struggle.
Stop going to war with the fellow you meet in the mirror.

You will meet the fellow again tomorrow. Unless you die today.
So since you gonna meet the mirror fellow again, isn't it time to just let the person in the mirror enjoy himself/herself?

Let it happen. :)
Go hug the mirror now if you saw Jesus solve the war within you today.

Walk away.

They can shout us down, with their voices pounding within..
chanting-

"doest exist. doesnt exist. doesnt exist. a lie. a conspiracy."

we have but,known that shimmering,silent shadow of God in us,
that spirit which none of them can shout away..
only we can ignore Him out. i dread that possibility.

To deny the miracles He did is ok maybe,
but to deny His love for us is what can kill.

If you believe that Love never existed, will that Love really go away.
Or will the Love stand like a torn Lover,under the balcony,looking for the pipe to climb,one ledge,a foothold,a toe-hold just to pull Himself up to the window of His love.
The question is, will He crash and bang through the window,or will He just stand, looking into your eyes?

To make the prophecies of the Holy Bible look foolish, to assume or believe that
these prophecies of old were vague and not applicable to Jesus,
is maybe fine with us.
Maybe 'faith like a child' will remain a horizon for us,
maybe faith will never really ignite until that final Ignition of us.

What irks, is our ignoring of those times of comfort and joy,
Our walking away from the Person we talked to,without seeing..without feeling,
Yet,feeling so intense,no imagination could produce it.
No body else but the person Held by Him, shall know what it is to kneel.
And it's terrible to hear our mouths utter- well.. i kneeled, but a fool.

We can walk away from all the evidence,blind-fold us all
that demands a verdict from us,
but it kills our insides when i walk away from the Master who built the evidence,just for us to see.

Sorry, people of Mumbai..

I only hope nothing like this will ever happen again, brothers and sisters in Mumbai.

I wish i could say that nothing like this will ever happen again.
I want to say that so desperately, want to say that nothing like what happened in the cold, callous month of November 2008 will ever happen again here, but both you and me..
The world is not fair. Isnt that True?
The world we live in is usually neither merciful nor kind. Even the terrorists will hold that to be true.

I wish nothing like this ever happened, Mumbai.

I wish I could guarantee complete protection for all of us.. all of us.. but.. i aint perfect.

Just hope them gun-totters wont find another loophole.

I dont even know why i am saying sorry, as if that will change Anything.

Maybe it's somebody else's words that i am mouthing.

And now, silence would be better nah?

Be Alert.
Be Hopeful.

Dont give up on love. Please.

i deleted a post of mine from here.. do u have proof for that?

For those are interested..
This post i deleted was called "Doubt- the origns. Part1"

i have shifted it to a new blog called "http://doubtcasestudy.blogspot.com/"

This is a blog that will talk about the human tendency of doubting and the various intricacies that involve the act of doubting.

The stories or thoughts i publish at this new blog may be true incidents,may be my own thoughts , or maybe.. just maybe yours..

i dont know.. or do i? :)

Oh.. what did i just write..! Rub it off.. Rub it off.. People will see !!

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today... is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is simply what an unbelieving world finds unbelievable.

-dc talk

O !

O ! how difficult it is
to describe the joy of those who are safe enough at heart
to believe all that is true about Jesus,
the son of God.

O ! how happy, how coolly blessed are their minds
them who steer clear of the rocks of doubt
and the sandbars of mistrust in God.

O ! How terrible it is to sing a song to Jesus
while none of the words mean a thing to the voice that sings.

O ! How horrifying to preach and to encourage
while doubts poison the nerves of the speaker's spirit.

O ! How sad it is when you dont see and
so, you just cant believe the truths about Jesus and His Father in Heaven.

O ! How much more worse would have been to
live while Jesus was living and
to not believe Him while He was at arm's length and uncrucified.

O !
How great is Your unfailing love.
Your mercy towards me endures forever..


Do i believe that?

O !

How to spoil the mood of the song.

Here Without You lyrics- 3 Dooors Down.

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
--
--
Substitute 'Yeshu' for 'Baby' and i will ruin the song for you.
Haha!

< PRONE >

a Hymn i heard at church.



Prone to wander, Lord i feel it,

Prone to leave the God i love,


Here's my heart Lord,

Take and seal it,


Seal it for Thy courts above.

We dont see the enemy, but the enemy is real. Pray. Fast. - Pastor Pradeep.

What more in the name of love?

One man come in the name of love, So sing U2 ,so I believe.
So we Know to be true.

One man come in the name of love
One man come and go
One man come, he to Justify
One man to Overthrow
In the name of Love, What more in the name of Love?

One man was betrayed with a kiss. You know how Judas betrayed Yeshu..
He must have felt So bad. Or did we assume that He being God, must have hardly been affected by that betrayal? Forget all the spitting and stoning and flogging and crucifying. Did we imagine that He would have taken the betrayal coolly, like how the cool poker-faced heroes of Hollywood react at the most terrifying and hurting circumstances?

Did we imagine Him to be a face, cool and set in stone?
Or was it hurting within Him ,just like any slob here on earth would hurt?

Hmm.. Yeshu, listen up man.. I see your followers here on this earth, going through hurts and insults, just like you did. All in the name of love.
Today they smile, your friends smile in tears Yeshu.
Tomorrow they die. Stop smiling ,you. Do you know what it means to face death at all?

Anyway, Yeshu.. they , your friends, your followers do the smallest things to leave your mark behind, out of love. What mark do they leave behind?
A cross in a graveyard. Or maybe they leave Love behind?

Why man Yeshu. What more in the name of Love will you and your friends do?
Through all of my heavy fire doubts and all of my cynicism..
What gets to me is your freaking love.
And your friends too, ok. Not those friends of yours who are caught in mind traps, time warps ,as busy judging as i am.Those friends of yours who love in the smallest ways possible.
They Rock Yeshu bhai..
But they rock at a cost to themselves Yeshu..

Why man.. What more will you all do in the name of love?

Found a dying poem. And it's so true.

God, though to Thee our psalm we raise
No answering voice comes from the skies;
To Thee the trembling sinner prays
But no forgiving voice replies;
Our prayer seems lost in desert ways,
Our hymn in the silence dies.

- Gerard Manley Hopkins

Hometown : ..................not of this world...............

On the last 2 journeys i have been on, it dawned on me that i was enjoying being in the train lesser and lesser.

i loved the scenery outside, only for shorter whiles now.
i did NOT like sleeping on the berth at all, it is so uncomfortable sometimes that only if i was well-fed or too tired could i fall asleep.

i disliked interacting with the crowd, but liked talking to lonely people like me more.
And i solemnly state that i have no inclination towards using the toilets in the train. (i Know, don't even Talk about it !!)

i did write, once upon a time, that whenever i get into a train, i feel like i am at home.
What i wrote then was true. And No, i didnt love the toilets then. i hated the toilets in the train even then.

As i see it, what has happened is the trap of a pleasure becoming a habit.

As a pleasure repeats itself in life, the ability to enjoy it at the same intensity decreases. (i read about this first in The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis).

This truth shows itself in another form in all sorts of addictions; at the beginning of the addiction, you need to have more of the stuff you are addicted to, to maintain the same levels of pleasure you derive from that addiction (it can be anything, any addiction- shopping, speeding, comics, pornography, food.. the list is endless).

So was this true with my case? I think not.

Did i need more train journeys? Surely not. i desired to gaze upon the Goa coastline, to get the blast of the breeze from the backwaters in the Konkan, to play with the wind and the rain, all these things,yes.
All true, but i really didnt like the journeys so much.
But was everything losing its shine?
Or was i just too tired?

Aww Shucks..
Do i not belong here too?

ohh ohh..
Why didn't my joy last on the journey? It used to last! How did my happiness become so ephemeral?
Why do i enjoy lying down on my side-berth, staring at the stars and the Milky Way in the night? Where did this new passion of looking at stars and the moon by the sea spring from?

And as i think of this, my train of thoughts stops at the Bible station.
Shucks.. is the Bible that true?
Do i really don't belong here? Am i a citizen of a different hometown? A stranger,just passing through?


Like that song by U2, is it a place 'Where the Streets have No Name' ?

Why do i feel that i am on a journey to eternity? When did i become a pilgrim?

Whatever i feel..my feelings need not be true. But since i know the truth, let the truth be known. Here you go Hometown...


Hometown : Not of this world.

Here i end my battle. And begin another one.

Remember my battle?
Yeah.

It is good that i am on my knees. At the battlefield. Right where the enemy lies vanquished.

The soldier often dares to think that he has been betrayed by the Commanding Officer.
The soldier often dares to think that the Commanding Officer likes to pull cruel jokes at his men's expense.
The soldier thus continues to make living difficult for himself,in the face of victory.
Victory which, well, unconveniently proves that the C.O cared a lot.

And strange at that, when the soldier looks back at the battle, it now seemed that the C.O cared more for what the soldier went through than for where the battle was headed.

The C.O would rather lose the battle but gain the soldier's furnace.
But as the soldier stands victorious, battle-scarred, on his knees,
Hugging what brother is alive and next to him.

Deliverance.
At the right time, the sun rose.
At the right time, the C.O arrived.
At the right time,the soldier was salvaged.

At the right time, the soldier got the chance to thank the C.O.

The Picture below is called - " Lest We Forget. "
Lest i forget His deliverance.